Pain and Boas

I have just received a diagnosis of TMJ, which explains the excuciating pain on the left side of my face. It is incredibly painful, and that comes from a woman with chronic pain. It also makes me dizzy. A mouth guard has been molded and ordered for me. I have been sleeping with one I purchased at a local drug store. Who knew I had the skills to take it out of my mouth without even waking up! I can add this to my list of little known skills, along with: changing the TV channel while asleep; answering a non-ringing telephone while asleep and then being annoyed that someone called; cursing someone out in American Sign Language while smiling in their face because they have no idea what I just said; falling asleep during conference calls with my eyes open. The only really useful skill is the last one. Who invented conference calls anyway? My TMJ is bad, really bad. It makes my ear hurt to the whimpering point. Adults should never have ear aches; they are painful. And most adults have no sympathy for you; especially if they have kids because they went through this ear ache pain with their kids. Regardless, this TMJ issue has prevented me from attending the last reunion of my elementary school. It is a Catholic school and it's closing. I haven't seen these people (with the exception of one woman who I am still very good friends with) since I was 12 years old. I am sure that this unmarried, childless, no prospects on the horizon, back in school grown-ass woman has nothing in common with these people who are simply fuzzy memories in my head. My friend is going with her husband. I asked her to tell me all about it. I would attend, but when my ear and mouth start to throb... well, let's just say it's not very pretty. Now that Adult Nationals are over, I have had time to think about my goals for the next skating season. My goals are occasionally more than I can accomplish given the time constraints and financial issues. However, I am sitting thinking about them. I really am determined to pass my Silver tests this year; yes THIS year. I will have to drag my behind to the rink more often. Since I have no social life to speak of really, it shouldn't be that difficult. (My social life is really just Deaf Events I attend. I have recently discovered that I prefer the company of people who know American Sign Language to those who do not.) With that in mind, during a rare practice, I managed to remember to over twist into back three turns. It worked. Duh! Now my back inside three turns are back to normal. I sometimes wonder how I did them before without thinking about it. I used to do a lot of things without thinking about it; like driving a stick shift. I signed up for a competition on June 2nd. Same competition (and currently ONLY competition) I've done before. It's me and one other woman, a friend, against one another in an artistic program. She out-jumps me and wins, every stinking year. And while it sucks, I refuse to dwell on it. "It's gotta happen, happen sometime. Maybe this time, maybe this time I'll win"* As you know, I've struggled with my weight for years. It all came to a head when I tried on a competition dress I ordered two years ago and never wore. Pulling on an all-in-one to counter-balance my fat, I pulled the dress on. Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I felt a gripping pain in my abdominal area similar to what I imagine being attacked by a boa constrictor feels like. I struggled to get the dress and the support garment off, all the time alternating between saying, "I can't breathe" and "What the hell??" and laughing. It's always good to laugh at yourself. When I finally got both torture devices off, I realized two things: 1. I was fat. 2. I had nothing to wear for this competition. Without enough time to drop 60 pounds before June 2nd, and dealing with the intense pain the TMJ brought me, I fell back into an old habit: I stopped eating. It was okay, really, since my mouth and face hurt so much that chewing was too painful to think about. As a result, I lost six pounds. I should plan better. Make a list, check it twice, find the foods that are naughty or nice. And workout more. It's funny because I love to workout. But, I've dropped my gym membership in an effort to save money and I live in an apartment with really thin floors. I still workout during lunch, when I don't have a conference call, but I feel something is missing. If you can help me figure it out, I'd appreciate it. Now I'm off to buy something that flows to wear for the competition. And maybe burn that all-in-one... *Song: Maybe This Time from Cabaret.

Like a Handprint On My Heart

Some of you recall a post I made about "Sebastian" almost two years ago. This post is about him and not skating. So, if you just wanted to read about skating, you may want to skip this one. Every week, I anxiously awaited my Saturday afternoon class because I knew I would see Sebastian and learn so much in those 2 1/2 hours. Not only would I learn new signs, classifiers or idioms, but about life and experiences and culture. Heck, I would learn about everything. I would leave class, reluctantly, wanting to still drink from the endless fountain of his knowledge, allowing the experiences to wash over me like the water from a lake on a warm summer's day. I loved going to his class because Sebastian is such a wonderful man. So, you can imagine my shock and sadness when I learned, via Youtube, that Sebastian was moving away. He wasn't just leaving the school, or New York; he was leaving me. I cried uncontrollably for several days. I wasn't losing a teacher; there are plenty of great teachers out there, Sebastian being one of the best. No, I was losing a friend. When I first met Sebastian, he was my ASL Level 5 instructor and I didn't like him one bit. He made me... no, he demanded that I work harder. He expected the students in the class to be at a certain level and I'm ashamed to say, we weren't. No one in my class ever practiced. I think I came the closest, only because I was also taking classes at another school. Still, it wasn't good enough. I could see the frustration in his eyes when a woman in my class didn't remember the sign for "family" (FYI, you learn that sign in Level 1). He signed faster than anyone could understand, his fingerspelling was like sonic jet taking off and he's left handed. So I went home and studied. I watched Youtube videos of native signers. I watched his Youtube videos and read his blog so I might understand him a bit more. I practiced while driving to work and at work, talking to myself and making a list of vocabulary words. Every free minute not spent driving, working or skating was spent studying and practicing. The second week, he made me laugh and I was hooked. Sebastian would take the summer off to backpack, explore and do all the things this city girl couldn't understand doing. I would read his blog about his adventures and be magically transported to wherever he was, sitting next to him, experiencing the same things. I waited in anticipation the next entry and vowed to read only one per day to allow the experience to last. When the last entry was written, I started all over again to re-live the adventure. An adventure that sounded almost foreign to this native New Yorker. Sleep outside? In a sleeping bag? In a tent? Without indoor plumbing? I couldn't do it; I went camping twice and the campsite was over-run by caterpillars. I was 15; I never went camping again. But to Sebastian, it was second nature. Upon his return, he remembered me (I like to say that I am hard to forget, but that isn't true). Again he was my instructor and again I anticipated our weekly chats. I didn't care that there were others in the class whose signing I didn't understand at all, or who seemed to be totally lost in the class. As far as I was concerned, the only important person in class was Sebastian. And me. We would sometimes hang out after class. I don't know if it was because I was so serious about ASL, or because I was sort-of interesting, but I like to think it was around that time that we became friends. I invited him for Thanksgiving, if his original plans fell though. I must mention I never invite anyone over to my house. I have friends whom I've known for ten years who have never been invited over. Sebastian was and is always invited to come over to my home. At any time, day or night. We would talk about so many things; things I didn't mention to most people because I didn't think they would be interested. But mostly, I wanted Sebastian to take lead of the conversation. He could read the dictionary to me and I would be captivated. He is such a wonderfully fascinating man, and not bad on the eyes either. The Youtube video took me by surprise. I was still sick with the tail end of the flu when I couldn't sleep and watched the video. I felt like the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz. I knew I had a heart, because it was breaking. I was being set adrift without a paddle to return me to shore. Was he ill? Was his family all right? Why would anyone move out of New York? Only a New Yorker would ask that question. 49 other states and a New Yorker believes New York is the center of everything. As Rose Hovick says in Gypsy, "New York is the center of New York." I can almost understand moving out of my hometown, but Sebastian was moving all the way to the west coast. If you know any native New Yorkers, the west coast is another country to us. And he was leaving soon. The rug was pulled from under me. The sweet nectar of friendship and knowledge snatched from my lips before I had the opportunity to enjoy the taste. I couldn't think or even breathe. All I did was mourn the loss of a friend. No, Sebastian isn't dying; thank God. He's just moving on with his life in another state. A state so far away that there's a different time zone. A state so far that returning to New York is a major event. By leaving New York behind, he was leaving me behind too. There have been parties celebrating the man who brought so much to so many, both in the Deaf community and the hearing community. I attended these parties and tried so desperately not to cry. I did not succeed. My days with my favorite teacher and friend have come to a close. "I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend." And while I am not Red and Sebastian is not Andy from The Shawshank Redemption, the sentiment remains the same. I guess I just miss my friend. Knowing Sebastian has made me want more. I want to try more, be a better signer, a better skater, a healthier person, a better person. I want to just be better. All of that comes from knowing one man who touched my heart. He will always be with me "like a handprint on my heart". I will leave you with these words from the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked, written by Stephen Schwartz: I've heard it said That people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn And we are led To those who help us most to grow If we let them And we help them in return Well, I don't know if I believe that's true But I know I'm who I am today Because I knew you... Like a comet pulled from orbit As it passes a sun Like a stream that meets a boulder Halfway through the wood Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been Changed for the better Because I knew you... I have been changed for good... Thank you, my friend.

Thank You, Henry Ford

Have you ever noticed that just when things are going in the right direction, someone tosses a banana on the ground and hides until you slip on it? There you are, one foot on the peel, the other up in the air, struggling to stay on one foot, trying not to look like a complete idiot (when looking like a partial idiot will do fine, thank you)when you hear the jokester laughing in the bushes. What do you do? Do you throw the peel and everything else at said joker? Or do you try to upright yourself and continue with your day? I am trying the higher road. The "check engine" light came on in my car on my way to work on Wednesday. Rather than risk it, as was suggested by my boss, I returned the car to her parking spot and took the Long Island Railroad. Round trip is $15.25. Ouch. I can fill my tank on $35.00. I decided to take the bus instead. It's cheaper (a 7 day MetroCard for the bus and subway is $30.00) and I have a few more options than the 2 trains that will get me to work and/or home. For the past 2 days, I have been getting up at 5:15am and leaving home at 6:30 to take 2 subways to walk to the bus terminal (5 blocks) to get on 2 buses. With all of that, I arrive at work at 8:45am. Yes, that's a 2 1/4 hour commute for a location 21 miles away. Don't you just love public transportation? As a result, I am unable to get to the rink to practice. This was quite obvious when on Wednesday I was unable to do ANYTHING. When I say anything, I mean anything. Stroking seemed off. My feet hurt, my shoulder hurt. I couldn't balance and nearly fell standing stock still. I couldn't do the simpliest of jumps. My program, such as it is, looked like crap. It is an artistic program, but I really think there should be JUMPS in the darn thing. Amy disagrees. I have done this competition 2 or 3 other times and come in last each and every time. Why? There are NOT ENOUGH jumps in the program. It's that simple. I can be artistic and flounce around until the cows come home, but jumps are what gets you a first place finish. With absolutely nothing working right, I was taught the Dutch Waltz. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate footwork? I've been reading other people's blogs. I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone, including myself in the past, but everyone seems to be improving while I'm going backwards. It's as exhausting as my commute. I was thinking of video taping myself, but I fear I will just quit the sport all together. It's times like this that I miss the two friends I had who skated: one quit the sport all totally and the other stopped speaking to me. In truth, they have both stopped speaking to me. I mentioned to a skater/coach that my skills were deteriorating. She looked at me blankly for several seconds. I asked her how her family was doing and she proceeded to talk for twenty minutes about her husband and their plans. Wow. Never knew I was that dull or that my skills were that bad in the first place. I am getting votes of "no confidence" on all sides of the table. Not sure if I'll do that competition; it depends on a lot of thing. Mostly time and money. And skills. If you see some lefty jumps just hanging around, looking all sneaky like they're hiding, send them back to me please.

In Sickness and In Health

I've had the flu for three weeks. Just when I thought I was better, it added a gastrointestinal portion that also knocked me off my feet. Being the stubborn fool that I am, I skated a few times with this problem. Funny how many colors are on the ice when you start to feel woozy. Everybody starts spinning, but nobody is moving. My sister/roommate has had it worse. Let's just say many a meal has made a repeat appearance in this apartment. Uggh!

Snow??

NYC is supposed to get hit with a massive snow storm. According to NY1 (a local TV channel), the snow will start at 7:00am. My job took that information and ran with it, closing the office at noon. It is now 3:30pm and it still hasn't started snowing. Insert a photo of me shrugging here. I had two things planned for this afternoon: either a freestyle session or an echocardiogram. Both have been canceled. But it isn't snowing. I should get that echocardiogram; I've been having odd chest pains for over a month. Sometimes they make me lightheaded. Most of the time, they just make me have to sit down. I can't catch my breath, and I feel as though I'm about to pass out. Yeah, I guess should have that test done. But it cuts into my skating time in Long Island!!!!! Not today. The weather channel is still saying that it will be a major snow storm. It's raining here; freezing rain, but rain just the same. Maybe next Friday... I'll go have that test. Why is my body falling apart? Wonder if it's related to my weight. Is everything related to my weight?

Unsinkable

There's an old Broadway (and movie) musical titled "The Unsinkable Molly Brown", about Margaret (no one ever called her "Molly") Brown and how she survived poverty, not being well educated and The Titanic. She was "unsinkable" in both her spirit and her luck. I'm going to remember that unsinkable attitude. Today, after much debate and creative accounting, I have to say goodbye to my Wednesday night session. My 8 session card ended last week, and I struggled to try to find a way to pay the outrageous fee for another 8 session card. Sadly, I can't. Between sign language classes and University classes, there just wasn't enough left over to justify paying over $300 for an 8 session card. That means the sessions are $39 each. I couldn't do it. So, with a heavy heart, I contacted my wonderful coach and told her that I couldn't return for Wednesdays, but would indeed be there on Saturdays. I had to leave a message as she wasn't available. I don't know how she feels about it. I understand that real estate in NYC is incredibly expensive, but a $39 session? Out in Long Island, for the amount of an 8 session card, I can purchase two 10 session cards. While I wouldn't have Amy with me, I'd have the opportunity to practice. That is, if it doesn't snow. I hate driving in the snow. I used to love it, but now that my car is so much lighter, I feel that I will be lifted up off the highway and set adrift into the eastern shore. Back to skating. I'm disappointed, mostly because things were finally starting to click; both on the ice and in my left knee. My knee doesn't hurt when I skate, only when I walk. Or stand. The Sunday skating club (which I am still substitute monitoring for) has an exhibition at the end of the season and I was so hoping to be able to participate. You see, there are some people who don't think I can actually skate. These are mostly parents. Non-skating parents. Because the Saturday session is so incredibly crowded, I'm not sure I'll be able to practice anything other than MIF. I can try. I would like to say thank you to all of you who read this, although, I wish you'd write back from time to time. It makes me feel as though you stumbled onto here by accident and can't figure out how to get off the page. I have a mental picture, very similar to a cat accidentally falling into a tub of water. Both you and the cat are surprised and shocked and can't get out of it soon enough. It's a funny picture. Wish rinks had more public sessions, but they seem to have gone the way of the horse-drawn wagon. The only ones are in the middle of the afternoon and I think my boss would frown on me saying, "See you in two hours; I gotta skate!" Or they're on Friday evenings when teenagers on dates go skating in pants that are either too tight or too loose and they fall down a lot. The teens, not the pants. This will all work out. I used to only skate once a week and somehow managed to keep my skills, so it's not like it's the end of the world. Just the end of Wednesday nights.

Knee Bone Connected to the Shin Bone....

I know I'm fat; my body does not have to remind me by hurting. Lately, my left knee feels as though someone has taken the kneecap and given it a proper twist. If I hold the knee cap, I can bend it to stand without pain shooting through it. Makes for some interesting subway trips. People look at me strangely when I grab my knee in order to bend it to stand. On a positive note; they do leave me alone. Unfortunately, it's also my landing knee. It only hurts when I keep it in the same position for long periods of time: driving, working, etc. However, I have recently begun putting an ice pack on my knee while I'm working and it hurts a lot less. YAY!!!! Saturday's lesson was interesting in the fact that I got angry at a kid who screamed at me (I really was trying to get out of her way, but that odd change of edge into a jump just caught me by surprise) and landed a jump out of sheer annoyance. I didn't expect to still come across kids who resented adults on free style sessions. This particular little darling only screamed (and yes, I do mean screamed) at the three adults on the session. All of us were in lesson and we were trying to figure out where she was going. I understand she was doing her program, but there seemed to be no rhyme or reason behind the movements. She also has a really bad "flutz" jump. The resulting anger caused me to be successful, although slow, performing the Silver test mohawk MIF, and the forward outside 3 turns. YAY!!! I suppose that sudden surge of success caused me to jump without caution. It also helped that I am no longer performing a loop jump from the dreaded left forward inside 3 turn. YES!!! Mohawks are my friend. Although I land loops from the inside 3 turn, I find that if one thing is off, the jump sort of looks like I hicupped. But the mohawk allows me to ride the edge longer and what a lovely ride it is! The skating club has decided to extend the sessions on Wednesday night until April. I don't know if that's the beginning of April or the end of April. No one has updated the website. It'll all workout in the end. On a non-skating note: I spend a lot of time using my ASL (American Sign Language). So much time that recently, I could not think of the verbal words to describe the barametric pressure and how it effects my sinuses. I was, however, able to sign it without thinking about it. That's good and bad at the same time. I was an English Creative Writing major, so I need my words and forgetting them is not a good feeling. The good is that I was able to express myself in sign without thinking. The other person in the conversation didn't sign, so it meant nothing to her at all. Eventually the words came and I told her. At that point, I don't think she really cared. If it doesn't snow, I'll be on the ice on Friday. What strange weather the east coast has been having lately...