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It's always difficult to skate a session when you're the oldest, fatest, slowest and worse skater on that session. Add to that a major lack of confidence and a few rude comments and your session is toast.

Yesterday, my session was toast.

I suppose being tired didn't help the situation, but that's no excuse. Being on the verge of tears as everyone literally flew past me is no excuse either.

I could either attack or give up.

I choose to attack.

I had stopped listening to my self-hypnosis cds, so it's back to square one with my confidence level. The weather has improved so I'll be back in the gym too. I'm also, reluctantly, returning to the Long Island rink of earlier posts for the kamikaze sessions in the morning. I've also learned that two other rinks (World Ice Arena and City Ice Pavilion) have or will have sessions I can actually make. Whoo Hoo!

I hate giving up my Sunday mornings for nothing. Between the five minutes I skated on the first session and the fifteen I skated on the second, it was not what I would consider a successful day of skating.

I would like to quit monitoring but I'm not the type of person to quit something in the middle. Plus, there are 9 more sessions before this hell I'm living is over.

I spend most of the first session signing people in and doing paperwork for both session. Several skaters skate both of them and that's the reason why it takes so long. Because of this, I usually don't get on the ice until the session is 1/2 over with only twenty minutes remaining. The second session is for higher level skaters. I had to get permission to skate the second session, which was reluctantly given to me. I don't belong. I am too slow and no where advanced enough at this time. I was once.

I am reminding myself of "The Princess". She was an older lady who would go to Rockefeller Center Ice Rink in full regalia. She'd dress in a (usually) pink skating dress, with feathers, and a tiara. The Princess would bow and blow kisses. I don't remember ever seeing her actually skate, but she was a staple of the rink.

I feel like her. Not quite fitting in, possibly talented, possibly nuts. But still holding on to some vestige of possible skill level.

Not that long ago, things were really going along like gangbusters. Sunday was just a hiccup; nothing to worry about. No concerns, no worries.

There are 90 days before my June competition. I have work to do.

No, I must attack!

Bit By Bit, Putting it Together...

The title comes from the musical "Sunday in the Park with George" by Stephen Sondheim. If you can catch it on PBS (from the 90s) I would suggest watching it. Mandy Patinkin and Bernadette Peters at one of their best.

Going on....

Thanks to Winter Break in NYC schools this week, the ice has been relatively quiet, when it wasn't canceled altogether. Today, Sunday, was especially sweet, with so few skaters on the ice, I actually got to skate the (wait for it...) ENTIRE SESSION!!!! And I can tell you I worked my rear end off!!! My loop jump from a different entrance is slowly coming along. I even worked on jumps that I hadn't worked on in a while. As for the dreaded backspin, I got two revolutions out of that thing. I nearly screamed for joy.

I even took off my fleece pullover.

Because of the winter break, Amy, Coach Extraordinaire, was away with her family. I still skated my Wednesday session. I try to be as personable as the next person, however, I am a bit of a loner and prefer my own company. (That may be out necessity more than choice.) Since I have so little ice time, I prefer not to chat away my time with others. I may stop to catch my breath and say a little something, but I'd rather just soldier on.

On Wednesday, another skater said we should have an "Amy lesson" with one another. I knew what that meant. It meant she wanted someone to watch HER. The offer is almost never reciprocated. So for 10 minutes I made suggestions about her sit spin and one or two jumps. Then I started to get cold and said I had to get back to work.

So, here's my question: Why do some think it's okay to stop someone else from practicing just so they can be watched? When did everything become "ME, ME, ME"? Never in my skating career have I asked anyone to watch me do anything, except for a paid coach. And why am I always the person being asked?

I have watched other skaters pass me and leave me in the dust. Skaters who started after I did and who probably didn't have my issues. However, I can tell you those I was friendly with, all of them asked me to watch them at some point. I need to know why. Why me? Why do you need all the attention? Why must you disturb me?

It got to a point, several years ago, that I would never stop long enough to be asked. I'd slow down, but when I saw someone approach me, I'd take off, doing anything. I once knocked down another skater in my attempt to get away. Sounds silly, right?

If you're one of those people who need the attention, that's what a coach is for. The other skaters just want to skate.

Rant over.

I am pleased that skating is coming along nicely. I have my hopes of taking my Moves in the Field test by the end of the summer. I just keep pushing it back. Damn those back inside three turns.

I will miss Wednesday's session because I'm being sent to Austin, TX for a meeting. My boss didn't want to go. Lucky me. She tried to tell me what to wear. I looked at her as though she was insane because fashion is NOT her strong suit. I, on the other hand, watched Fashion Week from my home computer.

So here's to slowly putting it together. Loop jumps, flip jumps and backspins; my precious bane.

As for vacations, well, I've taken a half dozen vacations in the past three years, each worse than the previous. I even took a bad "stay-cation". Still thinking of going to a spa, but was wondering if they can make it a silent spa... Shhhhhh.....

Different Drum

I have said it before and I'll say it again: Next year, I will NOT ice monitor on the Sunday morning (or any other day) session. On a good day, I listen to countless parents complain about something, then coaches complain about something and then I get to take my unprepared body onto the ice for (hopefully!) 20 minutes of skating.

Until I get interrupted, again.

This Sunday, because of the change in schedule, was as bad as last Sunday. Only difference was, it was 10 times colder in the rink. And my body decided not to cooperate.

Skating, like the sign language class I am taking, is my outlet. My other outlets are working out (which I haven't had the chance to do), writing and taking a lunch hour. I haven't done any of those and it's beginning to take a toll on my mental health.

I have more stress than I can deal with right now. I have family issues that are driving me to the point of wanting to get in my car and drive as far away from everything as I possibly can. No, the issues aren't that severe or life threatening; I'm just tired of hearing the same damned complaints every single blessed day. I'm tired of my upstairs neighbors sounding as though they are Godzilla stomping Tokyo in Doc Marten boots. I am tired of not being able to sit quietly and watch TV in my living room without constant movement out of the corner of my eye. I am tired of listening to daily complaints.

You see, in my job, all I hear are complaints. Doctors complaining about what they are paid, what the state should do to fix something, complaints, complaints, complaints. STOP! I can't take any more. I need everyone to just shut up for a few days. Shut up and sit still.

I need some peace and quiet.

I hate my job. I can't stand my boss. I hate my commute. I haven't taken a real vacation in over a year. I have no social life. I feel as though the world wants everything from me all at once and I just don't have enough to give anymore. I am willing to make a very large sacrifice just so one person will (temporarily) stop complaining to me.

I am running out of pencils to break (at work). I have been listening to my self confidence Cd's and they are helping me sleep, but when I wake up, there are the issues all over again. And they never stop. Ever. Long after I'm dead, someone will dig me up (or take my ashes, I haven't really decided) just to complain to me about something.

I am writing this at work, so I must go. Please excuse me while I do my boss' work now.

This Is Nice

I had a different title for this entry, but I'll get into that later.

Lately, things have been going really, really well on the ice. And I am pleasantly surprised.

I've been listening to a self-hypnosis cd about confidence while I drift off to sleep. I've been told that because it's a cd to listen to while you sleep, it taps into your subconscious. Don't know if that's true or not, but boy have I been getting some really good sleep. Plus, my skating has been off the chart. Of course, there are the elements that still seem to allude me (the right outside mohawk pattern and the right forward inside 3 turn) but I'm sure they'll come around soon. I hope so; I want to take this stinking MIF test and get it over with!

But the free skating is off the chart. I've landed every jump I've done on the first try. The first try!! And every try after that! And I returned to doing a jump I've been unable to do due to injury and (drum roll please) it didn't hurt that much. I jumped and spun like I had "back in the day". And it was wonderful!!

I wish I could say I had the chance to practice on Sunday, but the schedule changed and all hell broke loose. I was on the ice 5 1/2 minutes (yes, you read that correctly) during Sunday's session before monitoring duties took over. It was a good 5 1/2 minutes though... Don't expect this Sunday to be much better; people are still confused about the new session.

This brings us to this Wednesday where things were still going well. And, I fell down. I fell down!!! If you skate, you understand how great it is when you're working and you fall down. It means you are close, so close to whatever it is you're working on. I was so happy to fall.

Until this morning, when I woke up and asked myself, "Who kicked me?" and "Why is there an elephant lying on me?" Two hot showers, some asprin, and some brandy later and I'm good.

This brings us to what I was originally going to call this blog: Ice Network Wants to Give Me a Stroke. Two weeks ago, I wanted to see the live feed of Ice Network on my computer. I sat down and turned it on. But what happened? It seemed that Ice Network no longer supports AOL, which is what I have. I called Customer Service and they were about as helpful as a feather duster during a dust storm. 45 minutes later and I was boiling. I was so angry I wanted to jump through the screen and strangle someone. I downloaded not one, not two, not three but four, yes four programs at the suggestion of the customer service rep and it still didn't work.

I wrote some of the most scathing emails to their customer service department. I demanded my money back, I stated that I would contact the FCC and the state attorney general's offices of both the state they were in and my state. My blood pressure rose to heights I had never seen (at least not while on medication).

Funny how if you complain enough, people actually take notice.

I received a call from Texas on a day I was home because of the snow. Together, we got Ice Network to work. I have been trying to send an email to the company telling them how great this particular rep was, but the email won't go through. I'll keep trying though.

Final thoughts: Skating is going really well. And, I still need a vacation.

When Life Hands You Lemons...

Add vodka, ice, a little sugar and stir...

I've been working out quite a bit; kick boxing mostly. Kick boxing is a wonderful way to work off stress. You just pretend all the people who annoy you are in your line of fire and POW!! A left hook, a right jab, a round-house kick... You feel 100% better.

Funny thing is, it is improving my skating.

I had been working out on and off for a few months. I re-joined my old gym because it was on the way home from work (when I drive). Then winter decided to show up in the NYC area and with it came snow, snow, a bit more snow and ice and freezing temperatures. As a result, I haven't been driving to work (which has been reducing my stress. Are people now getting their drivers licenses on the back of cereal boxes?) which also means I haven't been going to the gym. Desperate to loose a ton of weight in a healthy manner, I started working out at home, and returned to working out during my lunch hour (40 minutes) at work.

What happened? Other than a really sore backside, I had a heck of a lot more strength, stamina and core stability. As a result, Wednesday's skate was absolutely awesome. Did everything go perfectly? No; nothing is perfect, but this was the best skate I've had all season. I had cat-like landings on jumps, three revolutions on that vile backspin (the bane of my skating existence!) and back three turns as good as I've ever done.

Hot diggity dog-dig!!

Sunday, it was cold. Very cold. I arrived at the rink and warmed up, checked people in and hit the ice. I stupidly wrapped my knees a bit to tightly, so bending was a little harder than expected, but I did double threes, some moves in the field, a few jumps and a couple of spins. I learned that I need to warm up just a bit more because my timing was a bit off, but, all in all, no complaints.

And that session was crowded! We were full. Full of little kids. There were only 3 of us skating over five feet tall; everyone else was my shoulder or below. Sixteen skaters, thirteen short. Even with the coach who took over 1/4 of the ice to teach his student with the traveling pole, I was determined to have a decent skate.

One of the parents even said, "I didn't know you knew how to skate." Thanks, I guess...

After performing my monitoring duties during the second session, I skated the third. It was a good day.

Amazing what a little kick boxing and putting one's foot down about ice time can do!

Now, a glass of lemon aid...

Re-Boot

Has anyone seen my balance?

I've been having balance issues suddenly when on the ice. It's as though my feet and legs belong to someone else. Someone who has never been on skates before. I am reminding myself of Fred Flintstone when he went skating to stay awake because they thought he had a dinopetic germ (Dino had it). In this cartoon, his feet flew out from underneath him (until he got mad at Barney and could skate like a charm). While I'm not falling, I feel as though my feet will fly out at any given time. It's weird.

Of course, having skates too sharp to stop can't possibly help.

So, I've decided on a re-boot. Working out daily, eating healthy, skating in the morning. Everything anew.

Naturally, it snowed, once again grinding NYC to a halt.

I don't like driving in bad weather (or on ice for that matter), so I'm taking the train into work. That means, I won't be at the rink until the snow melts, which may be the spring since the forecast calls for another snow storm in 4 days. I also can't get to the gym since I rejoined a gym near where my job used to be located (10 miles from where we are now) and it is not located near my office. That means working out at home. Okay, I can do that. Of course that also means going to bed at a decent hour (12:45 is NOT a decent hour) and getting up at 5:45. When the snow melts and I'm back on the road, skating at 6:15am, 5:45 will feel as though I slept in.

Joining me on my re-boot are all of my old physical issues, neglected recently, deciding to join the party with a vengeance.

Tammy, my facial twitch has subsided greatly. Now she only shows up when I'm on my way to work or after an exceptionally annoying phone conversation. Everyone else has decided to hang around for a while. They are like relatives who show up, eat all of your food, break all of your expensive items, take up space, never leave and don't pay rent.

Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes on it. (No mistakes on it yet.) - Anne of Green Gables.

What to Do... What to Do...

Returning to the ice on Wednesday evening was exciting and fun. Fun because I really wanted to skate; exciting because I had just had my skates sharpened before the Christmas break and couldn't stop.

After running into the boards a few times, I decided to ignore my inability to stop on a dime and just enjoy my lesson. I have odd bad habits, like riding my toe pick before jumping so that I slow down, or not being able to do the simplest move if I think about it too much. However, Amy worked her magic and all but 2 of my moves in the field are almost test ready. To fix the others, I am using those moves to go into jumps, thus learning to do them faster and while not thinking: I'm too busy thinking of the jump.

Wish that I could bottle Amy and take her with me wherever and whenever I skate.e

That brings me to Sunday's session where I ice monitor. Today I have 20 minutes on the ice, however, I seemed to be unable to do anything productive. It takes me a long time to warm up and when a parent insists on having a conversation with you while you're trying to warm up, it defeats the purpose. This caused me to make a decision.

I told my co-monitor that because I was getting so little time on the ice, using carfare and waking up 3 hours before the beginning of the session, that I would finish out the month of January and no longer be the ice monitor.

I thought she would faint.

To be fair, she drives in and it takes her an hour to get to Manhattan on Sunday morning. If she had to monitor the 10:00 session, she would have to leave at 9:00 and hopefully, not hit any traffic.

I said I would figure something out.

Maybe I could get to the rink early and jump rope for 5-10 minutes before stretching, working my feet (my sister/roommate's term) and putting on my skates before my ice monitoring duties. This way, I'd be warmed up before hand. It's a thought. I'm really at a loss because while the club appreciates what I'm doing, my skating (at least on Sundays) is not improving at all.

I suppose I could try to get up at 4:30 and get to the rink before work. But 4:30?? Even the birds are still asleep at that time.

My confidence level has sunk to a new all-time low. I only feel good about my skating when I'm in lesson. I feel fat and clumsy and all out-of-sorts.

It'll get better; I know it will... I hope.