Observations

I was listening to some old music recently when I remembered skating when the song first came out on the radio. That's when it occurred to me: I'm at the exact same level, if not lower, now that I was then. That's not only depressing, it's sad. I've been forced to take so much time out that I've become somewhat comfortable with my abilities and inabilities. I marvel at those who seem to fly past me in skill level while I stay stagnate.

It was rather annoying too. First off, I've always liked the song. I am reminded of people I skated with, some of whom were in school at the time and who are now married with children (or divorced with children, or just with children; whatever...) and well, I'm not. I don't mind not being married, believe me, but I am annoyed that my skill level hasn't really changed. And I've spent quite a bit of cash on this sport too.

Mostly, I'm to blame. I am not good with finances. I have almost no time management skills when it comes to my own personal life. I am forever late; although it isn't always my fault. And now that I am (shudder!) older, I suppose I have that annoying adult fear. What if I get hurt? What if I look stupid? What if they laugh at me? What if they look at me?

All of those things have already happened. I once fell while doing a split jump (missed my toe pick) and landed wrist and left facial cheek first. I bit through my bottom lip, had a hairline fracture of my cheek, a mild concussion, a really bad headache and a sprained wrist. I did one more split jump because my then coach insisted that I not shy away from them (once the bleeding stopped, of course) and have not done one since.

Looking stupid? Been there, done that. Who could forget skating to The Jets Song from West Side Story and having to snap my fingers with the recording. Boy did I hate doing that and I felt and looked stupid.

Laugh at me? Oh boy, has that happened. I once had a rather odd fall on a jump only to see six faces on the other side of the boards laughing hysterically and pointing. I bowed for them and cursed them under my breath.

Looking at me is the hardest to deal with. I don't like doing my program because I know people will look at me and I don't think I'm that good a skater. I want to be a better skater and yet, I over analyse everything. And I mean, everything. I can be stiffer than Frankenstein's creature when doing a program.

Maybe I don't practice enough. I find there is an odd occurrence when I skate at a rink other than the one I have my lesson in. It takes me quite a while to get used to the surface, the air and the people. I can't understand why this happens and often wonder if I'm the only person who suffers from this.

I'm just tired of being at this level, being this bad after all this time. And I'm not really that bad. I'm just not as good as I want to be.

My coach says I'm too negative. After reading this, I see she's correct. I will abort a jump or spin if it doesn't feel absolutely perfect, and I'm a pretty good jumper and spinner. I can get some pretty good height out of these long legs and quite a bit of speed on my spins. I need to believe in myself more. And stop being so critical.

With that in mind, I will try to be more positive. I can do it.

Happily, my sessions have been good, although crowded. Where did all these skaters come from anyway? I just have to work more on consistency so that I don't try 8 jumps to land 2. Or do 10 spins and only finish 4. I can work though this desire to be perfect all the time and just do it.

No session this Wednesday. Will skate this Saturday. More later...