Totally Off Topic

This has very little, if anything to do with skating. It does, however, have a lot to do with, well, me.

On top of my other annoying ailments (back, cough, stomach, weight and now knees), I suffer from a sometimes debilitating depression. There are days when I struggle to get out of bed, put on a semi-happy face and go out into the world. Today was one of those days.

I have been lucky because I haven't been this depressed in nearly a year. That's cause to celebrate in my book; but I gave up drinking for Lent and well, Easter isn't for another month. So, I ate some chocolate. Not to celebrate, but because I was having trouble coping.

As you know, I hate my job. I mean, I really, really hate my job. There are days when I think committing suicide would be an excellent choice rather than having to come into work the next day. This week was one of those weeks. I was cursed at, told I was an idiot and a waste of time and had total strangers scream at me over the phone. Add to that the commute from hell and well, you see where I'm coming from.

I have been able to deal with this madness, but recently, I just wanted to crawl into a dark hole and stay there. Nothing has been able to lift me from this feeling of total darkness; not skating, not signing, nothing.

While I know these feelings will pass, I can't seem to wrap my head around it right now. I've tried therapy; my last therapist was such an annoying piece of work that I walked out on my last session muttering "Good riddance, bitch!" burning from my lips. I've tried medication, but with my stomach, well, let's just say they weren't on the same page. So I just push it down. Keep myself busy. Try to get over it.

It didn't work this week.

When you realize that you are underpaid by over $25,000 and no one will give you an interview because the organization you work for is considered "the enemy"; it gets to you. When your boss treats you like you're an idiot because SHE'S an idiot; it gets to you. When your 40 mile-round-trip commute causes your blood pressure to rise each and every day of the week; it gets to you. When a total stranger who can't remember HIS email address curses YOU out; it gets to you. When you have to take money out of your 401K because you have absolutely no money left and it's pay day; it gets to you. When people complain every single day of the week and three times on the weekend; it gets to you. When one more person asks if you're pregnant and you're just FAT; it gets to you. When someone assumes that you're angry and you're just passionate about what you're discussing (and you're discussing it quietly)and they are only assuming you're angry because Black women are ALWAYS angry; it gets to you.

I have tried to be optimistic. I have tried to look on the sunny side of life. But I'm tired. And it's raining. The sun isn't smiling back like on the Raisin Brand box. The sun is just as sad and tired as I am.

This will pass, but for now, I will retreat to my bed, where I've spent most of the day. I got up and sort-of got dressed so I could buy chocolate; three bars, which I ate myself. Yes, I know that does nothing for my weight, but when you consider that I've been busting my ass and have GAINED 3 pounds, I don't give a damn.

I know I have a job and I should be grateful for it. Believe me, I am. It almost pays all my bills without having to do some clever accounting. I've been looking for s new job for eight years. EIGHT YEARS!!!!!! My job is sucking the life out of me. It's slowly killing me.

Anger is another form of depression, so since I'm already depressed, I have a double dosage of it. As I said, I know this will pass. It has to. I have school tomorrow and skating on Sunday. Everyone expect me to be upbeat and chipper.

Why did I give up drinking for Lent? Right now, a 48 oz Cosmo would make me feel so much better. Did I mention I have a crooked cd stuck in my cd/dvd drive? I can't get the damned thing open and will have to bring it in to have it fixed. Watch me perform some clever accounting!

We will return to our regularly scheduled program on Sunday after skating. In the meantime, please allow me to wallow in self-pity for another hour. By then, it'll be another day and this one, this week, will be over.

Personally, I've never been that fond of people, in general.