Self Deprecating Humor

I am guilty of self deprecating humor. It usually means three things: 1. I'm going to say it before you do so I have that power. 2. I'm angry as all get out and I'm trying not to curse you out and or pimp slap you. 3. You have really, really disappointed me. On Sunday, I had a lesson with Amy where we went over my program over and over and over again. You would think after the third run-through, the other skaters would realize that the 5'6 1/4 overweight lefty adult female skater's program starts with her traveling backwards. Practicing your backspin or your figure loops on the red line when I'm heading backwards at you is probably not the smartest thing in the world. Sorry Lauren; didn't mean to knock you down... twice. After the fourth or fifth run-through, Amy asked me about my dress for the competition. I told her I had something and she suggested that I wear it on Saturday's freestyle. Ah... no. She asked me what it looked like and I said, "It's black." For some unknown reason, several coaches were standing around and Amy asked if it was sparkly. I replied, "Yeah, it has some sparkles on it. It doesn't really matter; I'm the fat girl in the black dress. I'm always the fat girl in a black dress; I only have black dresses. I can't lose 60 pounds before the competition, so I'll be in a black dress, wearing a support garment." The coaches found it funny, and I tried to just laugh it off, but I know the truth. I AM the fat girl in the black dress. I've been fat so long, I don't remember what it feels like not to be fat. For the record, I hate it. I used to be really, really fit and pretty darn skinny. I'm not even sure when it changed, but it was gradual. I went from a size 9 to a size 14 seemingly overnight. It really sucks. Being ice monitor on Sunday (free ice, that's the only reason) usually means I'm going to get frustrated. When trying to explain a financial issue for the fifth time didn't clarify it, I got annoyed. The session had 20 minutes left and I still wasn't on the ice. The amount in question: $6.00. I just wanted to get on the ice; I had a lesson in 30 minutes. I said. "Why don't I just give you the $6.00 so I can get on the ice and disappoint a whole bunch of people who think I'm Debi Thomas until they actually see my awful skating." The other people at the table thought that was funny, but in truth, I just wanted it to end. Immediately. I missed the first session entirely. Prior to gaining a tween, I was a pretty good skater. I had a cheated axel, all of my single jumps and the world's slowest backspin. Between injuries, gaining weight, running out of money and not having a positive coach, I lost a lot of those skills. I went from skating 4 times a week to once a week and naturally, my skills suffered. Why do I say this? Because I had mentioned to Amy that I wanted to do Easterns as they have a Non-Qualifying competition for Silver. She asked if I wanted to do Bronze. Nope, I wanted to do Silver. She asked me if I watched Silver Ladies on Ice Network, because those women were really, really good and I would never get to that level. They were confident and moved quickly and had all of their skills solidly. I wasn't going to ever medal in Silver Ladies. I'll never be that good. I probably wouldn't beat the only other person in my category in the competition that's next month. Was I prepared to come in last? I smiled and said, "I'm used to coming in last; been doing it for years. There's a special medal for those of us who permanently suck." Everyone in earshot laughed and I continued smiling. In truth, I was crushed. And incredibly disappointed. This was my coach who just gave me a vote of no-confidence. She didn't believe I had or would ever have the skills to participate in Silver Ladies. That explains a lot, like why I'm not working on harder elements when other skaters are working on harder jumps. I won't mention that some of those skaters (all adults) can't do some of the elements I can do, but I'm stuck constantly doing the same thing, while they keep on going. If you tell me I can't do something, I will break my neck trying to prove you wrong; it's a family trait. I'm going to work as hard as possible to improve, lose weight, skate faster so no one will laugh at me again. And I can leave the self-deprecating humor at home, forever. Sunday's frustration caused the TMJ to return. Sadly, neither my dentist nor my doctor gives muscle relaxers. Dang! Where are those advocates of better living through chemistry when you need them? I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so Some things I cannot change But till I try, I'll never know! Too long I've been afraid of Losing love I guess I've lost Well, if that's love It comes at much too high a cost! I'd sooner buy Defying gravity Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity And you can't pull me down: And nobody in all of Oz No Wizard that there is or was Is ever gonna bring me down! ** Just watch me. ** Defying Gravity from Wicked