I'm Free!!!!

It is finally over!! The biggest mistake I have ever made in my skating career (except picking Ted as a coach) has finally ended.

My self-emposed sentence as Ice Monitor has reached its end and I am blessedly free from the chore!!

My final session was so much like previous sessions; I skated for 10 minutes. During those 10 minutes, I got absolutely nothing done. Why? There were 30 skaters on the ice. Everyone had approximately one foot of skating room. I didn't even bother to try to do my moves in the field, I did try to work on spins, but that proved to be a waste of time. I really didn't care; all I wanted was for the session to end so I could hand in my paperwork and never, ever do this chore again.

Songs about freedom have been running through my mind: "Me and Bobby McGee", "Freedom" (from the musical Shenendoah), "Free" (from the musical A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum)... The list goes on.

One bright note is that my co-monitor relaxed a great deal as the year went on. Plus, said the sweetest thing. She said she wished I had had the chance to really skate because she knew I could skate and wanted to actually see me do something. I had to agree with her on that one.

So, I have plans (again) and some upcoming time off. (I don't call them vacations because something usually goes horribly wrong.) I have a few things to do during that time which includes cleaning my apartment, going to the gym, skating, studying and attending a theatre opening. I already have the shoes, now to figure out what I'm wearing...

It'll be so good to sleep in on a Sunday. Or go to church.

One Day More...

I can see freedom in the horizon and I am heading toward it.

There is only one, I repeat, one session left on Sunday mornings for me to monitor. I am almost free! And as I've said before, I will NEVER, EVER monitor again. Being an ice monitor, at least for these sessions, is better suited for a parent and NOT a skater.

Today, I spent 10 minutes on an ice surface that had, including coaches 35 people. The skaters, both lower level and high level, seem to be oblivious to one another, thus explaining the girl who almost took my head off while I was doing a Silver Move in the Field, backwards in the track, and she decided that that was the best place to do a flying camel.

Don't remember where I had my skates sharpened, but thank you, whomever you are.

Normally, I'd be in panic mode because of the ISIA competition on the first Sunday of June, but I'm not doing it this year. It's sort of bittersweet. I'm not prepared and my music hasn't been cut. Unfortunately, this was the only competition I did for 2 years and since I thought I sucked so badly last year, I was hoping for vindication. Oh well.

I'd like to do the ISIA Adult Competition in Florida in late September, but I promised my sister we'd attend a fashion show at the mall and I think it's the same weekend. Being the person that I am, I'll go to the fashion show and not compete again. Doesn't really matter to anyone but me.

I remember when I returned to competiting after several dormat years. It was the first Sunday in June and I was excited because my sisters were attending. Unfortunately, it was also "Tony Award Sunday" and while they attended, it ended up being rather anti-climatic for me. No drinks or dinner afterwards because they wanted to get home to watch the Tony Awards. I understand; it was the year Bret Michaels got conked on the head with a piece of screnary.

It's Mother's Day, so Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. Please stop saying it to childless women; it could upset them more than you know. I'd like to wish a happy Mother's Day to my mommy; I miss you.

Thinking, Thinking...

I was watching a video of random people at Adult Nationals and two things struck me: One: I kept seeing the same people. Two: Not a lot of adult minorities are in this sport. I know what you're thinking: does it ALWAYS have to come down to color? No, but my brown body should have been there.

WIth that in mind, I am going to (again) work my rear end off to take my MIF test and freestyle test and go to AN next year. And I don't care where it's located. (Note please that I say that now. Come August/September when I find out that it's in Alaska or somewhere, I will be complaining, I'll bet money on it.) I haven't gone to AN in so many years, I can't remember when I did last participate. Wait, I think that was the Ted years...

Ted, not a bad coach, just not a good coach for me. I think he quit the business, but I'm not sure. Right now, I can't remember his last name. Right now, I'm not sure I remember MY last name.

I'm trying to figure out my schedule between 3 classes for school, the gym, skating and of course, work. Wednesday night skating at Sky Rink ends in another month and happily so does the disaster called Sunday morning. I'd rather clean port-a-potties than monitor the session on Sunday mornings. I have learned my lesson; sometimes "any ice time at all" is more like "NO ice time at all". Never again.

My biggest concern is Amy and where and when I can have a lesson. I have a class on Saturday morning at 10:00. I could make it to the rink for the 8:00 session, but really, who wants to skate at 8:00am on a Saturday? I really wouldn't blame Amy for saying no to that situation. I could skate the public session after class is over (my class is in Manhattan on Saturdays, in Long Island on Tuesdays and Thursdays - two different schools. Trying to make up for lost time. Long story.) and make for a super long day because I wanted to go to World Ice Arena in the park for the 5:00pm session.

I'm either going to become very fit, very tired or none of the above. What I hope to be is a better skater, fitter and more proficient in my signing. I do have a competition I want to do in October in Florida, however, that means I will be unable to attend a local fashion show I so enjoy watching. But I don't have that date yet and I do have the dates of the competition.

I have work to do.

I have to stop thinking so much and just enjoy the ride. One of my biggest problems (I have several) is that I hate looking foolish. I hold back when skating because I don't really like people to look at me when I'm practicing. I skate small, which is ironic because at 5'6 and over 150 pounds, I am anything BUT small. I stand out at every rink I go to, for various reasons.

As far as school is concerned, I study a lot. And I hate being wrong and looking foolish. It makes for some stilted signing. I need to relax and expect to get it wrong; it is, afterall a foreign language for me.

My dad (RIP Daddy) used to say that I was always thinking. He was right. My mom (RIP Mommy) used to say I didn't laugh much. She was right. Sadly, they are both still correct. I'm working on it.

In the meantime, I have to get to the gym and then get home to stretch some more. I have a spinner I need to use for about 10 minutes and then I have to study for an hour.

What day is today?

Where Was I???

Oh yes, now I remember...

In March, I took two days off and skated the mid-morning session at Chelsea Piers. It was a blast. Amy was able to come and give me a lesson on one of the days, and I worked my tail off. These were interesting sessions in that, on one day, I was the youngest and fastest person on the ice. What a boost to my ego! This was the same day that another skater gave me the "stink eye" and told me to "SLOW DOWN!" I had to look around to see who she was talking to and imagine my surprise to discover she was talking to me!

But March was so far away. I don't really know what's wrong these days. Maybe I'm upset because I wasn't able to go to Adult Nationals. Or maybe it's because I've been engrossed in school and sign language to a point, I've found myself signing to myself while half-asleep. Or maybe it's a lack of really good sleep, exercise and fresh air. I don't know. Things just seem out of sort lately. I really can't put my finger on it. I feel as though there just aren't enough hours in the day.

My weight loss was coming along quite nicely until I had to go away (again) for work and work 15 hours a day over a four day period. The only thing keeping you awake is coffee and the only thing allowing you to sleep is liquor. Vicious cycle. But I'm back and trying to get back on track.

I gave myself a treat last Sunday. I did NOT go to the rink to monitor; told them two weeks before I was not available. It would have been nice to sleep in, but my upstairs neighbors are so very good at waking me up, they did not neglect their duties. I was awaken at 6:50 on Sunday morning. 6:50. Their little brat never seems to sleep and she sounds as though she weighs 600 pounds. Her father sounds as though he weighs 1000 pounds because when he walks across the floor, I can feel the vibrations in my apartment. Got to love apartment living.

Amy won't be back until the last week in April. I have all but given up the idea of doing that competition. I don't have my music yet, the program isn't finished and I've hardly practiced. Maybe I need a shot in the arm.

Or a vacation.

Blah

It's always difficult to skate a session when you're the oldest, fatest, slowest and worse skater on that session. Add to that a major lack of confidence and a few rude comments and your session is toast.

Yesterday, my session was toast.

I suppose being tired didn't help the situation, but that's no excuse. Being on the verge of tears as everyone literally flew past me is no excuse either.

I could either attack or give up.

I choose to attack.

I had stopped listening to my self-hypnosis cds, so it's back to square one with my confidence level. The weather has improved so I'll be back in the gym too. I'm also, reluctantly, returning to the Long Island rink of earlier posts for the kamikaze sessions in the morning. I've also learned that two other rinks (World Ice Arena and City Ice Pavilion) have or will have sessions I can actually make. Whoo Hoo!

I hate giving up my Sunday mornings for nothing. Between the five minutes I skated on the first session and the fifteen I skated on the second, it was not what I would consider a successful day of skating.

I would like to quit monitoring but I'm not the type of person to quit something in the middle. Plus, there are 9 more sessions before this hell I'm living is over.

I spend most of the first session signing people in and doing paperwork for both session. Several skaters skate both of them and that's the reason why it takes so long. Because of this, I usually don't get on the ice until the session is 1/2 over with only twenty minutes remaining. The second session is for higher level skaters. I had to get permission to skate the second session, which was reluctantly given to me. I don't belong. I am too slow and no where advanced enough at this time. I was once.

I am reminding myself of "The Princess". She was an older lady who would go to Rockefeller Center Ice Rink in full regalia. She'd dress in a (usually) pink skating dress, with feathers, and a tiara. The Princess would bow and blow kisses. I don't remember ever seeing her actually skate, but she was a staple of the rink.

I feel like her. Not quite fitting in, possibly talented, possibly nuts. But still holding on to some vestige of possible skill level.

Not that long ago, things were really going along like gangbusters. Sunday was just a hiccup; nothing to worry about. No concerns, no worries.

There are 90 days before my June competition. I have work to do.

No, I must attack!

Bit By Bit, Putting it Together...

The title comes from the musical "Sunday in the Park with George" by Stephen Sondheim. If you can catch it on PBS (from the 90s) I would suggest watching it. Mandy Patinkin and Bernadette Peters at one of their best.

Going on....

Thanks to Winter Break in NYC schools this week, the ice has been relatively quiet, when it wasn't canceled altogether. Today, Sunday, was especially sweet, with so few skaters on the ice, I actually got to skate the (wait for it...) ENTIRE SESSION!!!! And I can tell you I worked my rear end off!!! My loop jump from a different entrance is slowly coming along. I even worked on jumps that I hadn't worked on in a while. As for the dreaded backspin, I got two revolutions out of that thing. I nearly screamed for joy.

I even took off my fleece pullover.

Because of the winter break, Amy, Coach Extraordinaire, was away with her family. I still skated my Wednesday session. I try to be as personable as the next person, however, I am a bit of a loner and prefer my own company. (That may be out necessity more than choice.) Since I have so little ice time, I prefer not to chat away my time with others. I may stop to catch my breath and say a little something, but I'd rather just soldier on.

On Wednesday, another skater said we should have an "Amy lesson" with one another. I knew what that meant. It meant she wanted someone to watch HER. The offer is almost never reciprocated. So for 10 minutes I made suggestions about her sit spin and one or two jumps. Then I started to get cold and said I had to get back to work.

So, here's my question: Why do some think it's okay to stop someone else from practicing just so they can be watched? When did everything become "ME, ME, ME"? Never in my skating career have I asked anyone to watch me do anything, except for a paid coach. And why am I always the person being asked?

I have watched other skaters pass me and leave me in the dust. Skaters who started after I did and who probably didn't have my issues. However, I can tell you those I was friendly with, all of them asked me to watch them at some point. I need to know why. Why me? Why do you need all the attention? Why must you disturb me?

It got to a point, several years ago, that I would never stop long enough to be asked. I'd slow down, but when I saw someone approach me, I'd take off, doing anything. I once knocked down another skater in my attempt to get away. Sounds silly, right?

If you're one of those people who need the attention, that's what a coach is for. The other skaters just want to skate.

Rant over.

I am pleased that skating is coming along nicely. I have my hopes of taking my Moves in the Field test by the end of the summer. I just keep pushing it back. Damn those back inside three turns.

I will miss Wednesday's session because I'm being sent to Austin, TX for a meeting. My boss didn't want to go. Lucky me. She tried to tell me what to wear. I looked at her as though she was insane because fashion is NOT her strong suit. I, on the other hand, watched Fashion Week from my home computer.

So here's to slowly putting it together. Loop jumps, flip jumps and backspins; my precious bane.

As for vacations, well, I've taken a half dozen vacations in the past three years, each worse than the previous. I even took a bad "stay-cation". Still thinking of going to a spa, but was wondering if they can make it a silent spa... Shhhhhh.....

Different Drum

I have said it before and I'll say it again: Next year, I will NOT ice monitor on the Sunday morning (or any other day) session. On a good day, I listen to countless parents complain about something, then coaches complain about something and then I get to take my unprepared body onto the ice for (hopefully!) 20 minutes of skating.

Until I get interrupted, again.

This Sunday, because of the change in schedule, was as bad as last Sunday. Only difference was, it was 10 times colder in the rink. And my body decided not to cooperate.

Skating, like the sign language class I am taking, is my outlet. My other outlets are working out (which I haven't had the chance to do), writing and taking a lunch hour. I haven't done any of those and it's beginning to take a toll on my mental health.

I have more stress than I can deal with right now. I have family issues that are driving me to the point of wanting to get in my car and drive as far away from everything as I possibly can. No, the issues aren't that severe or life threatening; I'm just tired of hearing the same damned complaints every single blessed day. I'm tired of my upstairs neighbors sounding as though they are Godzilla stomping Tokyo in Doc Marten boots. I am tired of not being able to sit quietly and watch TV in my living room without constant movement out of the corner of my eye. I am tired of listening to daily complaints.

You see, in my job, all I hear are complaints. Doctors complaining about what they are paid, what the state should do to fix something, complaints, complaints, complaints. STOP! I can't take any more. I need everyone to just shut up for a few days. Shut up and sit still.

I need some peace and quiet.

I hate my job. I can't stand my boss. I hate my commute. I haven't taken a real vacation in over a year. I have no social life. I feel as though the world wants everything from me all at once and I just don't have enough to give anymore. I am willing to make a very large sacrifice just so one person will (temporarily) stop complaining to me.

I am running out of pencils to break (at work). I have been listening to my self confidence Cd's and they are helping me sleep, but when I wake up, there are the issues all over again. And they never stop. Ever. Long after I'm dead, someone will dig me up (or take my ashes, I haven't really decided) just to complain to me about something.

I am writing this at work, so I must go. Please excuse me while I do my boss' work now.