On the Wheels of a Dream

This afternoon, I received a tearful phone call from my non-roommate sister. A dear friend of hers and an acquaintance of mine was found dead in his home this morning. He was in his mid-40s and as far as we knew, in perfect health. The cause of death is unknown at this time, but it really doesn't matter. A vibrant, witty, funny man has left our lives and we are in shock. I've mentioned this for one reason only: life is short. Do what you want, as long as you don't hurt anyone. Stay healthy, happy and whole. Kiss the man or woman. Dance like no one's looking because those who are, don't get it anyway. Sing at the top of your lungs. Wear the fancy shoes. Buy that one over-priced drink in that trendy bar and sip it all night while you look at handsome men. Dye your hair, cut your hair, shave you head or wear extensions if you always wanted long hair; whichever you prefer. Wear the pink skating dress, the over-the-boot tights and the flower in your hair. Don't do something because you don't want to upset your friend, but you end up miserable (dog sitting, anyone?). Don't let a coach convince you that you can't because he/she can't see it. You just do it. Don't let any ex husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, whatever tell you that you're not enough. THEY weren't enough for you. Everyone has said goodbye to a lot of people; I am not special in this. Both parents, one so many years ago, I was a kid. God-parents, grandparents I never knew, aunts, uncles, friends, teachers... the list is never-ending. Someone once wrote "nobody gets out of this alive" meaning life. Yes, they were correct (I don't remember who said it, if you do, please tell me), but the QUALITY of you life is just as important as the length. Don't live thinking "woulda-coulda-shoulda". Just DO! My sister's friend was an actor at one time in his life, then a director/producer. I think he would appreciate these lyrics from a show he once did... "Beyond that road, Beyond this lifetime That care full of hope Will always gleam! With the promise of happiness And the freedom he'll live to know. He'll travel with head held high, Just as far as his heart can go And he will ride- Our son will ride- On the wheels of a dream." Wheels of a Dream from Ragtime. Music and lyrics by Stephen Flaherty and Lynn Ahrens. Rest in Peace "Richard".

Two Steps Forward, Five Steps Back

Just when you thought it was safe to go into the water. The club had an end of year party, which for once, I decided to attend. Any member who medaled at a major competition was invited to do an exhibition. Needless to say, I announced and did not skate a program. I witnessed some wonderful skating and at least two artistic programs I'm still trying to figure out. During the party afterwards, I met up with my coach. I briefly mentioned that a local rink is holding a competition in August and I'd like to do it. I figured, the more I'm out there, the better it is for me. My coach said that was a good idea, and then asked if there was a showcase or artistic competition because a technical competition wouldn't be a good idea because I wouldn't do well in a technical Adult Silver Ladies competition. Wow. In a week I went from being champ to chump. Once again, I was speechless. I believe I mumbled something like "I'll see" and walked away, hurt. Am I that bad? Why waste my time then? Years ago, I played the flute. I loved playing the flute and would practice as much as I could. I auditioned for colleges with my flute in hopes of being a "pit musician" on a Broadway show. While in college, as an un-official music major (because the chair of the department had to approve your major), I was told by my college music professor that I simply would never be a music major at this school, much less a pit musician because I was just not that good. I could practice forever, but I just wasn't good. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I did. I put my flute down and never picked it up again. If my skating is that bad, I wish my coach would tell me to just stop, put my skates down and return to tennis or softball (or even lacrosse). If I'm that bad, stop giving me hope and then dashing it against the boards. I'm pretty tough; I can take it. Instead, I'll spend the three weeks I have to decide about the competition to skate as much as I can. That will be hard, as I am dog sitting. If a friend (with dogs) asks if you like dogs, just say no. If not, you will be spending 2 weeks watching someone's dogs (and 15 birds) in their house while your own life is left in the "pause" position. The only pluses: It's 20 minutes from work and not far from my Friday night rink. That last one is a plus AND a minus. I will never get used to skaters throwing spins in all over the rink. I couldn't find a show lyric to fit this situation. Maybe because most musicals are supposed to make you feel uplifted, not like you've been kicked in the back pocket.

Maybe This Time

Competition. It's a love/hate relationship. Love the idea of skating on the ice alone. Hate the idea of people watching and judging me. I get so nervous, it can really be an unpleasant experience. While I no longer want to puke, I do usually want to run from the rink, screaming. The costumes are beautiful in competition. Usually, mine is something I've thrown together, thanks to my weight. I must admit I am tired of that. If you've ever had a weight problem, you know what I'm talking about. I have approximately eight competition dresses, only two of which I've ever worn in competition; both black. I have two white skating dresses; I wore one in an exhibition. I thought I looked cute; then I saw the pictures. Who knew those hippos from Fantasia could skate? Sorry; self-deprecating humor again. Skating in front of people, even practice, makes me uncomfortable. It's silly that I even get nervous practicing and choreographing a program. What really makes it silly is that I spent the first part of my life doing theatre. So I signed up for this local competition, mostly to try to calm my nerves. This hasn't been the best season for me. Illness and injuries and self-doubt and of course, the recent vote of no-confidence, left me with little to look forward to. All of my dresses were too small; I looked like I was trying to squeeze into someone else's clothes. But I paid my money and went with the attitude of "why not"? Along with my sister/roommate, I created a dress to wear by sewing material onto a leotard and then wearing an over-dress. It hid the lumps and bumps, but couldn't deny the fact that I am fat. On video, really fat. I arrived at the rink to skate part of the public session to warm up. Are people really that crazy on public sessions, or was everyone drinking spiked koolade? A little boy in a helmet skated up behind me, yelled something and skated at me as though I was supposed to help him stop. No, sorry; I don't play that game. My competitor is a friend of mine; we've known each other for years. Lately, we've ended up being the only two in our category and she usually wins. This was the same Artistic competition that we've been doing for the last four or five years. She wins and ends up in the Artistic Adult Run-off. Names were announced to take the ice for warm-up. Several names. The only skaters waiting to go on the ice was my friend and me. Three other skaters for two other categories scratched. I figured worse case scenario, I would get a silver medal. I stoked around the ice with "Beth", my friend, trying to get my feet underneath me and to slow down my breathing. Then it happened. I didn't see it, I only saw the aftermath. Beth skated across something on the ice and fell. Me being me, I skated to her when she didn't get up right away to ask if she was okay. She said yes, my coach was screaming at me to warm up and I continued skating. Minutes later, I noticed I was the only person skating; Beth had stopped. Seems she broke her wrist on that fall and although she wanted to continue, her coach and my coach told her not to. Suddenly I had no competition. I wish I could say I skated beautifully, but I didn't. I missed a jump and sort-of sat down on another. In the end, I won. It was bittersweet, not only because Beth broke her wrist, but because I didn't feel that I skated my best. But, as my family told me, a win is a win. So, I won. It was a good thing because Amy said I tried hard and that if I practiced more I would be able to do more, which is true. I also won the run-off, which they had the option of eliminating, but they didn't, so now I have a trophy. What have I learned? 1. I need to prepare better. 2. I need to lose weight. 3. I need to practice whether people are staring at me or not. My sister brought the DVD for me and when I've had some alcohol, I will watch it. For now, I'm looking into other competitions to keep myself sharp. On another note; the summer schedule. There was only one session I didn't think I could skate due to location and work. Wouldn't you know, that's the session my coach and the other adult skater thought would be perfect for lesson time? Give me strength. "Not a loser anymore Like the last time And the time before..." ** **Maybe This Time from Cabaret by John Kander and Fred Ebb.

I'm Still Here

This is an open letter to all children, tweens, teens, young adults who skate freestyle sessions with adults; well really, me. Dear Kid: I see you eyeballing me strangely as I come into the rink without a child in tow. I can hear the whispers and the giggles as I warm up for twenty minutes before putting on my skates. I know I'm probably the same age as your parents. And I know you're going to do everything in your power to cut me off and then laugh at my frustration. But guess what? I don't care because I'm still here. That look you're giving me? If you keep doing that, your face will freeze that way. You're sucking your teeth every time I pass? Go right ahead; it does nothing for your braces. That eye roll, child I perfected it twenty years ago. I can roll my eyes so well, people in other states can see it. I can also do the neck thing so well, I can make you cry. You think it's funny to do a sit spin right where I'm about to land a jump. Kid, I out weigh you and I'm not above using you as a cushion. You see me step into a camel and decide that you're going to do figure loops there? I have a 32 inch inseam and I'm not afraid to use it. You think skating closely to me will frighten me? Don't make me laugh. I have walked into the middle of a drug bust while buying shoes; I have worked in a store that was held up by shotgun; I have been mugged. I fell off the subway platform and I walked home across the 59th Street Bridge on 9/11 in heels. Your childish behavior does not frighten me; it makes me more determined. Long after your parents have decided to no longer pay for your skating; I'll be here. After you've decided to quit because you now want to play Lacrosse; I'll be here. When you meet that person that you can't stand to be without and have to spend Friday evenings with him/her thus eliminating Friday night or Saturday morning skating; I'll be here. I know how much this costs, financially, emotionally and physically. The only two things that will keep me off the ice are money and debilitating injury and in both cases, I'll probably find some way to get back on the ice. So, save your looks for your peers; I do not care. Soon, you'll be at camp, out of my way and off of my sessions; I can't wait. In the meantime, allow me to remind you that, when you go off to slay your own personal dragons, leaving the ice behind, I will still be here. "Good times and bum times, I've seen 'em all And, my dear, I'm still here. Plush velvet sometimes Sometimes just pretzels and beer, but I'm here I've run the gamut A to Z Three cheers and dammit, C'est la vie I got through all of last year, and I'm here Lord knows at least I was there, and I'm here Look who's here. I'm still here!" ** **I'm Still Here from Follies, music and lyrics by Stephen Sondheim

Summer Sun

I think I was still ticked off at my coach's comments because on Saturday, I couldn't do anything. It probably didn't help that the session was over-crowded and crazy, with some of the absolutely rudest children I have ever had the misfortune to skate with. Nope, it was bad, very bad. And I didn't help by refusing to do my program. What makes it so bad is that I skated on Friday night in Long Island and everything went really, really well. Friday nights in Long Island is a mis-mash of skating levels and heights. There's a 4 year old who is so tiny, I didn't see her at all until she ran into me. I looked so far down, my neck cracked. She mumbled something that might have been "sorry" (I don't speak kid) and skated off. Whatever. I had more important things to think about. So, I did my program and skated it well. I was satisfied, sore and a bit hungry. However on Saturday morning, none of that showed up. I couldn't do a waltz jump without tripping over my feet. Maybe I was due to a lack of sleep, or because I have to skate with my mouth guard in because I grind my teeth while skating, either way, nothing worked. Amy didn't seem too thrilled; she may be tired of me and my injuries and my lack of faster progress. She wouldn't be the first coach to want to drop me because I don't progress faster; she probably won't be the last. There is another adult skater that Amy is trying to schedule time with and I suggested one of the other rinks. Given the task of compiling a schedule of possible freestyle sessions, I was pleasantly surprised to see that there are quite a few this spring/summer. I did a dance. If all goes as planned, I will be skating Tuesday - Saturday. That hasn't happened in years. And the last time that happened, when I competed, I did really well. I didn't win, but I came in 5th out of 16 and as far as I'm concerned, that's a "paper" medal. You know, gold, silver, bronze, pewter, paper. I'm excited. "Stand well back - I'm comin' through - Nothing can stop me now! Watch out, world - I'm warning you - Nothing can stop me now!.... I'll make all my dreams come true Before my final bow! How I'll do it, who can say? But I know I will someday. Watch out, world - I'm on my way - Nothing can stop me now! I shall find success today - Nothing can stop me now! Yesterday was yesterday - Nothing can stop me now! Now I know the future is mine to have I'm hereby makin' a vow! From now on I'm gonna begin again - Stick out my chin again - Go in and win again! Get you gone, you sky of grey! Farewell, you furrowed brow! Now my future's crystal clear! No more woe for me to fear! I'm gonna stand this world upon its ear - And I'll succeed somehow!... Nothing can stop me now" Above lyrics from The Roar of the Greasepaint - The Smell of the Crowd by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley

Self Deprecating Humor

I am guilty of self deprecating humor. It usually means three things: 1. I'm going to say it before you do so I have that power. 2. I'm angry as all get out and I'm trying not to curse you out and or pimp slap you. 3. You have really, really disappointed me. On Sunday, I had a lesson with Amy where we went over my program over and over and over again. You would think after the third run-through, the other skaters would realize that the 5'6 1/4 overweight lefty adult female skater's program starts with her traveling backwards. Practicing your backspin or your figure loops on the red line when I'm heading backwards at you is probably not the smartest thing in the world. Sorry Lauren; didn't mean to knock you down... twice. After the fourth or fifth run-through, Amy asked me about my dress for the competition. I told her I had something and she suggested that I wear it on Saturday's freestyle. Ah... no. She asked me what it looked like and I said, "It's black." For some unknown reason, several coaches were standing around and Amy asked if it was sparkly. I replied, "Yeah, it has some sparkles on it. It doesn't really matter; I'm the fat girl in the black dress. I'm always the fat girl in a black dress; I only have black dresses. I can't lose 60 pounds before the competition, so I'll be in a black dress, wearing a support garment." The coaches found it funny, and I tried to just laugh it off, but I know the truth. I AM the fat girl in the black dress. I've been fat so long, I don't remember what it feels like not to be fat. For the record, I hate it. I used to be really, really fit and pretty darn skinny. I'm not even sure when it changed, but it was gradual. I went from a size 9 to a size 14 seemingly overnight. It really sucks. Being ice monitor on Sunday (free ice, that's the only reason) usually means I'm going to get frustrated. When trying to explain a financial issue for the fifth time didn't clarify it, I got annoyed. The session had 20 minutes left and I still wasn't on the ice. The amount in question: $6.00. I just wanted to get on the ice; I had a lesson in 30 minutes. I said. "Why don't I just give you the $6.00 so I can get on the ice and disappoint a whole bunch of people who think I'm Debi Thomas until they actually see my awful skating." The other people at the table thought that was funny, but in truth, I just wanted it to end. Immediately. I missed the first session entirely. Prior to gaining a tween, I was a pretty good skater. I had a cheated axel, all of my single jumps and the world's slowest backspin. Between injuries, gaining weight, running out of money and not having a positive coach, I lost a lot of those skills. I went from skating 4 times a week to once a week and naturally, my skills suffered. Why do I say this? Because I had mentioned to Amy that I wanted to do Easterns as they have a Non-Qualifying competition for Silver. She asked if I wanted to do Bronze. Nope, I wanted to do Silver. She asked me if I watched Silver Ladies on Ice Network, because those women were really, really good and I would never get to that level. They were confident and moved quickly and had all of their skills solidly. I wasn't going to ever medal in Silver Ladies. I'll never be that good. I probably wouldn't beat the only other person in my category in the competition that's next month. Was I prepared to come in last? I smiled and said, "I'm used to coming in last; been doing it for years. There's a special medal for those of us who permanently suck." Everyone in earshot laughed and I continued smiling. In truth, I was crushed. And incredibly disappointed. This was my coach who just gave me a vote of no-confidence. She didn't believe I had or would ever have the skills to participate in Silver Ladies. That explains a lot, like why I'm not working on harder elements when other skaters are working on harder jumps. I won't mention that some of those skaters (all adults) can't do some of the elements I can do, but I'm stuck constantly doing the same thing, while they keep on going. If you tell me I can't do something, I will break my neck trying to prove you wrong; it's a family trait. I'm going to work as hard as possible to improve, lose weight, skate faster so no one will laugh at me again. And I can leave the self-deprecating humor at home, forever. Sunday's frustration caused the TMJ to return. Sadly, neither my dentist nor my doctor gives muscle relaxers. Dang! Where are those advocates of better living through chemistry when you need them? I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so Some things I cannot change But till I try, I'll never know! Too long I've been afraid of Losing love I guess I've lost Well, if that's love It comes at much too high a cost! I'd sooner buy Defying gravity Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity And you can't pull me down: And nobody in all of Oz No Wizard that there is or was Is ever gonna bring me down! ** Just watch me. ** Defying Gravity from Wicked

Pain and Boas

I have just received a diagnosis of TMJ, which explains the excuciating pain on the left side of my face. It is incredibly painful, and that comes from a woman with chronic pain. It also makes me dizzy. A mouth guard has been molded and ordered for me. I have been sleeping with one I purchased at a local drug store. Who knew I had the skills to take it out of my mouth without even waking up! I can add this to my list of little known skills, along with: changing the TV channel while asleep; answering a non-ringing telephone while asleep and then being annoyed that someone called; cursing someone out in American Sign Language while smiling in their face because they have no idea what I just said; falling asleep during conference calls with my eyes open. The only really useful skill is the last one. Who invented conference calls anyway? My TMJ is bad, really bad. It makes my ear hurt to the whimpering point. Adults should never have ear aches; they are painful. And most adults have no sympathy for you; especially if they have kids because they went through this ear ache pain with their kids. Regardless, this TMJ issue has prevented me from attending the last reunion of my elementary school. It is a Catholic school and it's closing. I haven't seen these people (with the exception of one woman who I am still very good friends with) since I was 12 years old. I am sure that this unmarried, childless, no prospects on the horizon, back in school grown-ass woman has nothing in common with these people who are simply fuzzy memories in my head. My friend is going with her husband. I asked her to tell me all about it. I would attend, but when my ear and mouth start to throb... well, let's just say it's not very pretty. Now that Adult Nationals are over, I have had time to think about my goals for the next skating season. My goals are occasionally more than I can accomplish given the time constraints and financial issues. However, I am sitting thinking about them. I really am determined to pass my Silver tests this year; yes THIS year. I will have to drag my behind to the rink more often. Since I have no social life to speak of really, it shouldn't be that difficult. (My social life is really just Deaf Events I attend. I have recently discovered that I prefer the company of people who know American Sign Language to those who do not.) With that in mind, during a rare practice, I managed to remember to over twist into back three turns. It worked. Duh! Now my back inside three turns are back to normal. I sometimes wonder how I did them before without thinking about it. I used to do a lot of things without thinking about it; like driving a stick shift. I signed up for a competition on June 2nd. Same competition (and currently ONLY competition) I've done before. It's me and one other woman, a friend, against one another in an artistic program. She out-jumps me and wins, every stinking year. And while it sucks, I refuse to dwell on it. "It's gotta happen, happen sometime. Maybe this time, maybe this time I'll win"* As you know, I've struggled with my weight for years. It all came to a head when I tried on a competition dress I ordered two years ago and never wore. Pulling on an all-in-one to counter-balance my fat, I pulled the dress on. Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I felt a gripping pain in my abdominal area similar to what I imagine being attacked by a boa constrictor feels like. I struggled to get the dress and the support garment off, all the time alternating between saying, "I can't breathe" and "What the hell??" and laughing. It's always good to laugh at yourself. When I finally got both torture devices off, I realized two things: 1. I was fat. 2. I had nothing to wear for this competition. Without enough time to drop 60 pounds before June 2nd, and dealing with the intense pain the TMJ brought me, I fell back into an old habit: I stopped eating. It was okay, really, since my mouth and face hurt so much that chewing was too painful to think about. As a result, I lost six pounds. I should plan better. Make a list, check it twice, find the foods that are naughty or nice. And workout more. It's funny because I love to workout. But, I've dropped my gym membership in an effort to save money and I live in an apartment with really thin floors. I still workout during lunch, when I don't have a conference call, but I feel something is missing. If you can help me figure it out, I'd appreciate it. Now I'm off to buy something that flows to wear for the competition. And maybe burn that all-in-one... *Song: Maybe This Time from Cabaret.