No One Knows Who I Am

Recently, a woman in my ASL (American Sign Language) class gave me the ultimate compliment. She marveled at how much I knew about Deaf Culture, Deaf History and Deaf Social Events (FYI: Deaf is ALWAYS spelled with a capital D, like Irish, or Italian or French). She outline that so many obstacles were placed in my way in my goal to become an ASL Interpreter: I have no one in my family to really sign with; I didn't grow up in the Deaf community; my efforts to attend Gallaudet during my undergraduate years were thwarted; I work long hours at a full time job that entails my having to drive miles to get there and yet I am determined to make this work. I watch Youtube videos, read VLOGS (video blogs) in ASL, study constantly, sign always and even dream in ASL. She commented that I have a true passion for ASL and wished she had a passion for something. I then mentioned that I figure skate and she said, "Good grief! When do you sleep?" I mention all of this in an attempt to explain to myself my passions for ASL and skating. Durning the years I did neither, I felt as though I had been dropped in a deep, dark hole and slowly was shutting off my air. I was slowly dying inside. I skate and sign because I must. When I can't skate, I get depressed. This explains why I've gone without items in order to skate: food, doctor's appointments, medication, etc. Vacations have been scheduled around competitions. Dating and social events not related to the Deaf were canceled for the chance to skate. I skate in pain every time. I struggle with my weight to aid my health and to look better in skating dresses. I get frustrated when I no longer can do a move I was able to perform just two years ago. My body betrays me constantly; yet I fight on. I cannot explain this passion, this constant drive to improve in a sport geared toward youth. I cannot explain why I become so frustrated when someone who began after I did is able to perform skill that I cannot. Nor can I explain the feeling of hurt I feel when I receive a vote of "no confidence" or when there is an attempt to belittle my desires to move forward. I know I'm not Debi Thomas, Sarah Hughes, Alyssa Czisny nor Ashley Wagner; you don't have to remind me. I know I'm slow; I'm working on it. Please, just believe in me. Let me try. It may take me twice as long, I may have many more obstacles in my way, but I will keep doing it because to skate (and to sign) is to me, like breathing. "Look at me and tell me Who I am. What I am, What I am. Call me a fool And it's true, I am No one know who I am Time's not a friend Hurrying by No one know who Am I..." No One Knows Who I Am (original concept album recording lyrics) From Jekyll & Hyde. Music by Frank Wildhorn. Lyrics by Leslie Bricusse